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Qualtern leaders last night welcomed the news that Turpid Bam Irskel, notorious and secretive leader of the Free Rumisht Brigade, was killed early yesterday morning in a security services assault on an office building in downtown New Home City.


The assault was mounted by the Qualtern homeland security department – recently rebranded SpyNet – who, spokesman Toley Mordant said, hadn’t realised Bam Irskel was there.  ‘This was an anti-money laundering raid,’ said Mordant.  ‘We were targeting the accounting firm of Corpol, Timfer and Hute, which we had evidence was involved in channelling funds to the FRB.  We were as surprised as anyone to find Bam Irskel working there as an accountant.  Hidden in plain sight, as it were.’


Chancellor Berdryn announced the news in a live press conference.  ‘Bam Irskel was responsible for thousands of deaths.  His victims will not mourn his passing.  His death will be a severe blow to the FRB and its supporters.  History shows that when a movement loses its leader, it loses its momentum.  Without Bam Irskel there to regularly remind them about it, the people of Rumisht will probably now stop noticing the foreign forces occupying their country.  It’s just common sense that if you want to stop an ideology in its tracks, you need take out its founder.’


Public comment group Cynical About Everything were initially reluctant to comment, but acting chair Kart Priant eventually offered this in response to Chancellor Berdryn’s statement:  ‘I don’t know what history books he’s been reading.’


Religious leaders were less unforthcoming.  Dean Samon Corioli, rising star of the First Beneficent Church, said, ‘This is justice, man.  Vengeance for the grieving families of the dead.  Bam Irskel learned that what goes around, comes around.  The Church will be holding special sermons of thanksgiving every night this week.  Our usual forgiveness sermons will resume again next week.’


We tried to obtain a statement from the FRB, but a receptionist told us they were all too busy.  ‘The commanders are meeting to appoint a new leader, the PR guys are working on the Martyr 2011 campaign, and all our other officials are swamped with new member enquiries.’

World leaders hail death of Turpid Bam Irskel