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Sports Council faces fresh calls for trauma tech

Arbiter blunder gives Harries the battle but leaves reputation of the Game in tatters

Breakthrough for Permia in TransUrmu landgrab

Permians seize the Olacious Peninsula after six months of struggle, taking them within sight of the 250,000 points they need to clear this stage.

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In a spectacular finish to the Ernaq leg of the TransUrmu Cup, Permia finally pushed through the 250,000 point barrier after a brazen assault on Quul’s last remaining stronghold at Plug Hill.  Abandoning most of their occupied positions throughout the mainland, the Happy Harries quick-marched the best part of their forces to the barren interior, and had Team Banzai surrounded before they had a chance to react.  The Quul forces had the approaches to their volcanic fortress well covered, but had no strategy to cope with an attack that came at them from all sides at once.

‘It was like a termite swarm reclaiming its mound,’ said an admiring Quul colonel who survived the onslaught.  ‘They surrounded us under cover of night, then charged up the slopes of the hill in a solid mass.  God knows how many men they committed to the operation – certainly they lost thousands – but they only needed to take out a few thousand of us, and they did it.’

But it was to be the tally that proved controversial.  The arbiter and his team moved in to tot up the points when General Cusper raised the orange flag three hours after dawn.  He declared the result fifteen minutes later:  4,523 Quul dead.  Permia was standing at 247,038 points immediately before the battle, so the result was easily enough to take them through the 250,000 point barrier – and into the final.

But questions started to be asked shortly after the post-match medics moved in to tend the wounded, and it transpired that many of the so-called dead were amongst them.

‘It was ridiculous,’ a Quul guard told our reporter.  ‘The arbiter and his team just kind of wandered around, kicking a few of the bodies, but mostly just clicking their counters randomly while they gossiped with each other.  I’m pretty sure they counted me as dead, but I was just passed out from the pain of having my leg blown off.’

Sports Fan Association chairman Tarter Munch was in no doubt that the time has come for the Sports Council to review its longstanding opposition to the use of technology to count the dead.  ‘They’re living in the past,’ he said.  ‘The days are long gone when the Game involved a few gentlemen meeting on the outskirts of town to bludgeon each other to death with walking canes.  Then, the local schoolmaster traditionally had the role of counting the dead.  Not only did he have fewer bodies to examine, but he was permitted to do the decent thing in borderline cases, and despatch unlucky participants to an honourable end.  But when there are thousands of bodies to examine, as well as modern human rights laws against honourable dispatch, and medical technology which can mend injuries which previously would have been fatal, you can’t leave the count to old-fashioned methods.  Modern brain scanners can sweep a wide area in seconds and give an accurate count of the dead.  The Sports Council should get down off their moral high horse and realise that the Game isn’t some exercise in high principles, it’s just a matter of life and death.’

Sports Council faces fresh calls for trauma tech