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Smuldham denies Urkly affair rumours

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Berhaminous unveils new celebrity concept:  sexy science

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‘This will blow your mind,’ promises top publicist Prast Berhaminous.

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The world’s biggest annual celebrity showcase was electrified yesterday by the unveiling of Prast Berhaminous’s latest project.  Despite sceptical comments by many of his fellow slebmaestros over the last few days, Berhaminous drew gasps and applause when he unleashed his latest brand.

Anticipation was muted in the run-up to the unveiling, with many agreeing that Berhaminous’s best days were behind him.  His recent projects have been lacklustre, and he’s never regained the lustre he had in his youth, when he shocked the establishment – but had huge success – with his range of Political Mistress celebrities.

So no one was expecting much as the lights went down.  But when bubbling and clanging sounds started up in place of the usual raucous hymns, attention was piqued, and the expectant crowd around the stark white curtain swelled.

Then the ‘music’ stopped and the curtains drew back in complete silence, to reveal a petite female figure in a low-cut lab coat, high black crusher heels and thick-rimmed red spectacles.  She posed on a low plinth, holding a tablet computer in one hand, the other held to her mouth, a stylus tapping thoughtfully against her teeth.

Then Berhaminous introduced his latest creation.  ‘Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... Tarly Smuldham.  23 years old and already a professor of sublime physics at the University of Trune.  Engaged to former homosexual and Team Bravo captain Frenston Truk, with whom she regularly goes seedsurfing in the Lower Rounds.  They winter in God’s Valleys, and are joint ambassadors to the Kinstrict Ghetto.  And... Tarly is a junior committee member of the Outreach Foundation.’

At this point, applause broke out amongst the normally unimpressable attendees.  ‘This is really something,’ said veteran slebmaestro Orpus Min afterwards.  ‘Nobody’s done a science celebrity this thoroughly before.  There have been a few half-hearted attempts, but nothing that’s really taken off.  How Prast got her on the Outreach Foundation Committee is beyond me.  That’s real science.  The public are going to love this.’

However, the shine was taken off the event somewhat when the curtain immediately began to close again.  The assembled gossipmongers and photographers cried out in protest, demanding that Berhaminous’s new sensation give them a wave for the cameras or say hello for their microphones.  ‘No,’ shouted Berhaminous over the hubbub.  ‘She’s not quite fully trained yet.’  This led some to complain that he had presented a prototype celebrity rather than one that was ready for market.

‘That isn’t the case,’ Berhaminous told our reporter later.  ‘Tarly is more or less ready to go.  It’s just that the Clamfist Name Show happens to have come a few days before our plans are ready to kick into gear.  But I can promise you, it’s going to be a wild ride.  We’re going to break her in with some routine stuff first.  She and Frenston will be getting married next week, then the week after that she’ll have an affair with her best friend’s boyfriend – which will give us a good long-running feud to work with – and later in the month he’ll discover the affair but forgive her and they’ll renew their vows.  After that, I’m confident she’ll have mastered the bread and butter stuff, and we can really start to show you something new.  Hold onto your hats!’

New direction wows Clamfist Name Show