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Humanitarian of the Year announced

Borkempt socialite takes title after week-long dump scavenge

Hospital cleaner a better person after court defeat

‘I understand the point of the rules now,’ says woman who challenged employer’s uniform code.

FatSS the way to live!

New government advice stresses the importance of fat, salt and sugar as part of a healthy lifestyle.

2010’s Consumer of the Year named

Dendridge Orfling says he’s aiming for next year’s crown too!

Entire town Subjected en masse

Government defends decision to strip town’s occupants of citizenhood.

The government launched a new health drive today, aimed at countering the epidemic of emaciation.  Health Minister Turbish Trolling-Gashley posed at a traditional ice cream factory, standing waist deep in a VAT of raspberry ripple.

‘This is a problem that concerns us all,’ he said afterwards.  ‘Food technology has developed enormously in the past hundred years.  Previous government drives to combat obesity by driving down people’s consumption of supposedly unhealthy ingredients were too successful.  Most of the food we eat now contains no fats, salt or sugar whatsoever.  They’ve been replaced by chemicals designed to trick our taste buds into thinking they’re present in the food we’re eating.  So from a nutritional point of view, we’re mostly eating dust.  That’s why our new campaign is trying to persuade people to eat more traditional, non-processed foods.  We’ll particularly be targeting children, with our FatSS Amazing! campaign.’

‘All of this is the government’s own stupid fault,’ said Kart Priant, acting chair of public comment group Cynical About Everything.  ‘If they hadn’t campaigned so hard against ordinary food over the last few decades, we wouldn’t have this problem.  OK, so many people were obese then, but telling them that basic, essential components of their diet were bad for them wasn’t the answer.  A generation now thinks that fat, salt and sugar are basically poisons, and we can see the results all around us.  Listless, skinny people and regular deaths from heart failure.  The sooner the government realises it should confine itself to the business of governing the better.’

Orbun Tumnal, proprietor of Tumnal’s Ices, had other concerns.  ‘That drooling idiot has contaminated my biggest ice cream vat,’ he complained.  ‘It’ll be out of commission for at least a week now.  If I had my way, we’d boot out the lot of them and put General Trebuchet in charge.’

FatSS the way to live!