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Grandpa Q reports black skies ahead

Oldest surviving Seeker sends sixth report from interstellar space.

Foundation’s monthly statistics:  still rising

Oversight body hails latest figures as evidence that an Encounter is just around the corner.

I’m going down, says Seeker veteran

Glorban Asquant says next trip will be deep into the planet’s core.

Foundation’s new computer system still offline

Chief Executive defends decision to source from the military and claims activation ‘imminent’.

Glorban Asquant is one of those rare things:  a Seeker who keeps coming back.  Survivor of over two dozen attempts at an Encounter, his publicist yesterday announced that his latest journey will be in the opposite direction from almost every other Seeker who’s gone before him, namely down into the ground rather than up into the sky.

‘Glorban thinks it’s time for a new direction,’ said publicist Prast Berhaminous at a press conference held in the garden of his home yesterday.  ‘There’s got to be a reason why no previous Seeker has achieved an Encounter.  Maybe it’s that they’ve been looking in the wrong place?’

Asquant posed for pictures with a pickaxe and a length of rope, but his publicist confirmed that his journey will in fact be made by the more conventional Seeker means of directional intraspace pipetting - or zapping, as it’s commonly known.

Orcus Brank Tiry, spokesman for the Outreach Foundation, only reluctantly agreed to speak to QRIS.  ‘There’s a reason Glorban Asquant’s Foundation membership was revoked.  He’s not a real Seeker at all - or at least, it isn’t an Encounter he’s Seeking.  It’s publicity.  There’s also a reason he’s survived more Seeker zaps than anyone before him.  His locations aren’t chosen for anything to do with the possibility of Encountering aliens, but for their safety and the certainty of being able to return home again.  An Encounter isn’t going to happen at the bottom of a lake, the top of a mountain or - to cite his most infamous stunt - in the basement of his own house.  Ask him carefully about the co-ordinates for his latest attempt.  You’ll find he’s going to zap himself into a cave system, not the bowels of the planet.  The greatest risk he faces is slipping on batshit as he walks back out again.  Trust me, he won’t Encounter any aliens, but we will all have to put up with his stupid face on every chat show going for the next few weeks.  He gives the noble pursuit of Seeking a bad name.’

I’m going down, says Seeker veteran